Posts Tagged ‘Personality disorders’

This hits the nail right on the head! Take time to read and learn. Glad to see this information becoming more main stream. It needs to make it’s way into the family court system, with attorneys and judges having training. Or, at the very least, listening to the mental health professionals that they appoint.
http://www.alienationischildabuse.org/personality-disorders.html

Today is the day celebrated as Father’s Day.  It’s usually a day of cookouts, family time, gift giving, and laughter.  Handmade cards and pictures from little kids; stories about their childhood from those that are grown. Memories are made, and memories are revisited.

Sadly, not all kids get to experience having a Father in their life.  They watch from the sidelines as friends, cousins, neighbors, celebrate this day.  Equally as sad is that not all Father’s get to experience Father’s Day with their children.  Some by choice, it is true.  But many, because they are denied that right in one form or fashion.

I have been on both sides of the coin not only in my own childhood, but in the childhoods of my children and stepchildren.  My biological father was an alcoholic who had an affair, which caused he and my mother to divorce.  Once divorced and ordered to pay child support, medical expenses and save for my education, he made one support payment ($8O) and promptly left for California where he would not have to pay.  (Remember, this was about 45 years ago so CS enforcement was not what it is today.)  My mother never received another dime from him and I saw this man exactly three times between the ages of 3 and 18.  In sharp contrast is my step-dad, Charlie, who was always there for me.  Charlie loved me and my siblings.  We were his children.  Charlie has been gone from us for over 26 years, but when I think of my “Dad” I think of him.  His wisdom still guides me and I love him as much today as ever.

In the case of my own children, their biological father isn’t any better than mine.  While we were married, my ex-husband was somewhat active in the life of our daughter, but not our son.  Because of his disability, I suppose.  Once we separated, he took the kids on visitation only three times.  Only after my daughter contacted him when she was 17 did he begin somewhat of a relationship with her, but again, never our son.  To this day, as my daughter sits in prison, her biological father does nothing to support her.  He had seen our son three times in 10 years and that was only because I invited him to my son’s birthday parties and dog sat for him once.

Then there is my husband.  He is not only a truly wonderful man, he is a magnificent Father.  A huge part of what attracted me to him was his love for and his devotion to his children.  And eventually, his love for, and support of, my children.  He continues to offer support and guidance to my daughter through her challenges.   He recently adopted my son, autism and all.  He is their Dad in every sense of the word.

My husband wants every minute he can possibly get with all of our children.  Unfortunately, sometimes he is denied that right.  If you’ve read any of my other posts you are well aware of the antics we experience at the whimsy of the ex.  If you’re not familiar with our story let’s just sum it up with these three key phrases:  parental alienation, abusive/personality disordered woman, using  the children as pawns for control and manipulation.  By my way of thinking, if a child is blessed enough to have a father who cares, who wants to be active in their life and provide a solid, positive influence, why would you want to interfere in that?

Today I have thought a lot about my stepdaughter that isn’t my husband’s biological child.  How do you think she feels about Father’s Day?  To our knowledge, she doesn’t know the identity of her biological father.  At 10 years old her mother very effectively stole her father from her.  She was told by her mother the day we had the children’s cheeks swabbed that her daddy wasn’t really her daddy.  She was made to be the outcast by her mother.  Biology didn’t change the way my husband felt about his daughter.  He had loved her and cared for her from the time she was a baby.  Now suddenly he was the bad guy.  And all so the mother could hide her crimes.  This young girl is now graduated from high school and about to be an adult.  She suffers emotional issues and has trouble making and keeping friends.  Her own siblings have long been fearful of her.  She has been in trouble with the law.  Why?  In my opinion because the loving relationship she had with the man she knew as her father was destroyed.  You see, whether as an ex you like it or not, Daddy‘s are very important.

This type of thing is happening to men all the time.  We are making progress in the courts and in the views of society but we still have a long way to go.  Just because a woman is a mother does not automatically make her the better parent.  Just because a parent has physical custody does not give them the right to interfere with the relationship between a child and the other parent.  As a stepparent I feel it is important to support both parents to the children regardless of your feelings.  And believe me, I know that at times the feelings can be very negative.  But children need both parents.  Little girls and boys need a Daddy.  No matter what their age.  And kids need to be allowed to be kids.  They don’t need to have your emotional baggage and insecurities dumped on them.  It’s hard enough just being a kid.

So a big, enthusiastic Happy Father’s Day to all you wonderful men who love and adore your children as my husband does.  Much love to you.  Keep your head up and work towards doing the best you can to make things right.  If we can’t make the changes fast enough to help ourselves, at least we can work towards keeping these things from happening to other families in the future.

Parent Alienation and the Wizard of Oz

Written by Carolan Ross

http://www.squidoo.com/parent-alienation-syndrome-pas

Yesterday ended our Christmas visitation with my husband’s youngest son.  He was disappointed he had to leave.  He told my husband he thought he got to stay until Sunday night.  This would have been correct but my husband had picked him up last weekend for standard visitation only to be told later in discussion with the ex that it wasn’t his weekend due to the Holiday schedule for visitation.   The mother wanted him home this weekend since he had already spent the time here.  She didn’t bother to mention this to the boy, so it caught him unaware.  He was sad.  So were we.  You would think we could just ask for more time.  After all, it’s the Holiday’s.  And my husband travels for work which causes him to miss his midweek visitation.  Maybe he could stay an extra day, right?  Ummm, no.  You know how she is.

No.  Actually, I don’t.  I have my perception of how she is.  I have spent years picking up the pieces from the emotional fallout caused by the behavior of this woman.  I have cradled her children and mothered them while she has been unable or unwilling to do so.  I have done my best to shield my own children from her destructive manipulations, albeit unsuccessfully in the case of my daughter.  But, by the grace of a loving and wonderful God, I have never had to live with or be in any type of close relationship with this woman.  I have never had to truly experience how she is first-hand for anything more than a few minutes at a time.   For that I will tell you, I am thankful.  After all, you know how she is.

Over the years I have heard that statement in reference to my husband’s ex-wife more than I can count.  My husband says it regularly.  The children have said it.  The family counselor we used to go to has said it.  Her new husband says it.  Heck, I have even said it.

The first time I heard someone say “You know how she is” was the former principal of the high school that my daughter attended.  The same high school where this woman still teaches.  He was actually talking to my husband.  This man had been the principal of the ex-wife when she was in high school.  He was a very close friend of hers.  There he sat, with my husband asking him what was being done about her having inappropriate relationships with students, and the best he can say is “You know how she is.”

I have watched as different situations have unfolded with the now adult children.  Each of them at different times coming to us for money or counsel.  Each instance somehow, regrettably, not all that surprising.  This woman has emptied bank accounts belonging to her children, she regularly puts her wants and wishes above their needs.  We have on previous occasion asked both of the now adult children how it is that she manages to convince them to be joint on their checking accounts.  “You know how she is,” they say with a look of disbelief that we would even ask.

The funniest example to me, however, is her NEW husband saying “you know how she is” to her EX-husband.  It’s happened a couple of times.  Once when the decision was made without her input (she was out of town) to take my stepson out of football after he had been found repeatedly hiding on the locker room.  Another time the new husband said it he was telling my husband he needed to find a way to make money “under the table” because they were coming up short.  He needed something that wouldn’t affect his VA disability check.  You know how she is.  Yep.  And we’re glad she’s YOUR problem now.  My guess is by now he is realizing what he’s gotten himself into.

Back to my stepson and Christmas visitation.  Why didn’t she say something about the mix-up in weekends my husband was going to make before hand?  I will tell you why.  Because somehow, in a way that will most likely never be known to us, it was better for HER. That is always the bottom line.  Not what’s good for the kids.  Not even what does the court order say.  It’s always what is better for her.

It was sad to send my stepson home yesterday.  But in a way it was good for us to get to see that he was sad.  We are constantly told that he doesn’t want to come to visit.  That he would rather stay there and do what they are doing.  Often we feel like he really doesn’t want to be here.  So, let this be a reminder to us to give him every opportunity to continue to voice his feelings and opinions when he is with us.  Let us be reminded to listen to him always.  He doesn’t get to do that at home.  You know how she is.

 

Ever notice how people squirm when you catch them up to no good?  It can be comical, unless you’re the constant target.  I read an email this morning from the ex to my husband.  It was l-o-n-g and full of things to deflect the real issue.  This is typical of all the correspondence I have read from her over the years.  She tries to be witty.  She will throw in stuff that is entirely off topic.  Many times she is just plain insulting.  I suppose she does this in an attempt to show herself superior to my husband.  It doesn’t work.  My husband calls these diversionary tactics “smoke and mirrors.”

In reality, this is an accurate description of her behavior.  Where there is smoke, there is fire, as the old saying goes and this woman can really puff up the smoke. I have learned over the years to stop expecting it to change.  It is very predictable.  When she is caught, or if things aren’t going the way she perceives they should go, it sets her off.  Sometimes, the behavior is simply annoying.  Continuous calls or a chain of emails.  There are always a lot of threats, usually some accusations.  The court order is a weapon for her to use against us, to threaten us and try to control us, yet she has violated it in too many ways to count.

An example of smoke.  Many years ago, when my stepchildren were little (11, 9, 7 and 5 yrs) and they lived with us, we were trying to decide whether it was better to buy a different home or add on to the current home.  We spent many Sundays going to open houses and looking at various properties.  One Sunday, we drove out to visit an open house just a ways out of town.  As we drove up to the house, all the kids started talking about the things that had gone in the house.  Unpleasant events that occurred when they were left unattended with the young siblings of the student their mother had been having sex with at the time.  There were times they told us they were locked out of the house without access to water or the toilet while “Mom and X were inside talking.”  The youngest girl reported that she had been tied to the bed with belts and locked in the bedroom with the doorknob removed.  Needless to say, we did not go into the house.  The kids were upset enough just driving by.  That all sounds pretty horrible, doesn’t it?  Very incriminating against the mother wouldn’t you say?  Well, when she got wind of it and knew what we KNEW, she called up my husband yelling and screaming.  Threatening him with exposing this in court as if he was the one who had allowed all of this to happen.  Telling him she was gonna’ rake us both over the coals in court!  See what I mean?  She was caught so she had to stir up some smoke.  Of course it was discussed in court, but not quite the way she imagined.  And thankfully, the kids had been to the court appointed counselor and everything had been documented because after midweek visitation with their mother, everything suddenly became “a dream” to the kids.

Mirrors.  Even after all this time, I continue to be amazed at how easily, and apparently without any remorse, she can take the truth and twist it up like a pretzel.  Suddenly she is the victim and everyone is out to get her.  Flash back again.  This time to before my stepchildren came to live with us.  My husband went over to pick the kids up for visitation.  The girls (remember, age 7 and 5 yrs) were upstairs in the mother’s bathroom showering.  They came down wrapped in towels.  One of the little girls went over and whispered in my husband’s ear “Daddy, X is upstairs in Mommy’s room.”  My husband told the kids to get dressed and ready to go.  He asked the ex to please step outside, where he confronted her about the teenage boy, then a current student, hiding in her room upstairs.  Lot’s of smoke and then, she turns it all around on him.  She was just trying to be considerate of his feelings by having the boy wait out of sight.  She was just tutoring him, after all.  Why would he always think the worst of her?  On and on and on…  The kids come outside, see the mother crying and clearly upset, and then don’t want to leave.  He doesn’t make them as that would only further upset them.  The next day, he follows up with an email, asking that she keep this student out of her home and away from the children.  He also cautions her on losing her teaching licensure.  She responds by telling him the kids are fine around “X” and why is it his business anyway.  She tells him “You don’t want me but you don’t want me to have anyone else either.”  Really?  Are you kidding me?  We’re talking about a HIGH SCHOOL boy here!

Beware of the smoke and the mirrors.  Tread carefully, but know that you have struck a nerve.  Document, document, document everything.  We have every bit of correspondence.  Hard copies are locked away in a safe deposit box.  Electronic copies are in various places and in the hands of a few trustworthy people.  Limit your phone contact and if you must communicate via phone, follow it up with an email documenting the details of the discussion.  Sounds like overkill doesn’t it?  In truth, I think it’s utterly ridiculous and a fabulous waste of time and energy.  That being said, I am sure glad we have done all of it.  It has saved our bacon time and again.

Stake your boundaries my friend.  And enforce them.

http://drhelen.blogspot.com/2006/06/walking-on-eggshells-dealing-with.html

Please take time to check out this website. Very helpful information.

http://www.shrink4men.com

A Shrink for Men

Company Overview
A support site for men in relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them.

Mission
To educate and empower men who are being emotionally abused by their wives, girlfriends or boyfriends. To help people realize that love isn’t synonymous with control, shame, pain and guilt. To remind people that it’s never too late to break free of the trap of abuse and find happiness.

What I Wish I Knew Before Marrying a Man with a Crazy Ex-Wife.

Great article by a woman who obviously knows what she is talking about from personal experience.

This article also provides links that are helpful in understanding the high-conflict, abusive personalities such as Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.  Very helpful.  Wish my husband and I had this resource years ago.  The doctor is right on the money in giving warnings about these women and their destructive, manipulative behaviors.

Today has been a hard day for me.  I’m not gonna’ lie to you.   It started off with me thinking about working on taxes (we asked for an extension) because my husband‘s ex smells money and wants an increase in child support.  From there it went to two articles in the newspaper.  One on how hard it is for felons to become gainfully employed once they have served their time; the other on women in prison and how art helps them cope.

Both of these are pretty touchy topics for me.  Do NOT misunderstand me.  I am all for child support to the custodial parent.  Actually, I favor shared parenting where possible.  In our case, it is not an option.  I do understand the cost involved in raising children and my husband needs to contribute his share.  I try to give too for that matter.  I love these children.  Have known them since they were small.  Even raised them in my home for three years.  What I have a HUGE issue with is the fact that this woman actually has the balls to take my husband back to court at all, much less for child support.

Of the four children born of the marriage, three belong biologically to my husband; one does not.  The one that does not is the third child.  When the ex became pregnant with this child my husband questioned her because of rumors that were going around town about her having sex with students.  Fast forward ten years.  That child isn’t my husbands.  Which means she is most likely the product of one of the affairs (yes, ONE of – there were reportedly at least a couple of boys) with one of the students.

There truly is NOTHING to envy or be insecure about when considering this woman but I am still going to sound like the “catty” second wife when I say this – This woman in nuts!  So, to protect the children, WE had OUR attorney draw up a sealed court order forbidding paternity to be discussed with the children outside of a counseling setting.  We didn’t want it yelled at the kids during one of their mother’s fits.  We wanted to be able to sit in a supervised setting – all of us together – to share it out in the open and offer love and comfort to all four children.  Did that happen?  NO!  The mother absolutely refused to continue counseling and has used that sealed order against us at every turn.  She sure doesn’t want paternity of this child discussed in any way, shape or form.  Now, let’s add this sick little twist to the story.  We now know that the mother told all four children the truth about paternity the day we had their cheeks swabbed.  She KNEW that child didn’t belong to my husband.  Furthermore, she had already TOLD the children before we even went to court.  And they were so young – 14, 12, 10 and 7 years of age at the time. Not only has this woman made a total mockery of the family courts in our county, she clearly believes she can continue to make a fool out of the Judge.

This brings me back to the issue of child support.  Why in the name of God should this woman be allowed to collect one red cent from my husband for child support when she REFUSES to find the father of the third child and collect child support from him???  He isn’t in High School anymore.  He is now in his early thirties so should be able to hold down some type of employment.  It is clear she doesn’t want to identify the father because there would go her teaching license.  She hasn’t been fired for all the boys she has had sex with here in this area but proving that a former student is the father of her child would be the end of her teaching career.  And it should in my opinion.

As for the prison articles.  How can I be anything but upset?  My daughter was an excellent student.  Perfect, no.  She was like any other teenager.  But she didn’t deserve to be bullied at school for speaking the truth about a teacher having sex with students.  She didn’t deserve to be in the office every week defending her actions or right to talk about it.  She didn’t deserve to be suspended for simply speaking the name of this teacher on campus.  My daughter fought to do the right thing.  She reported an adult abusing their authority over the students in a most despicable way.  No one could or would help her.  She lost faith and headed down the wrong road.  It cost her future.  At times I thought it might cost her life.  I hope she is strong enough to change this into something positive and go forward to help others.

But what about this teacher?  WHY won’t anyone speak up and do the right thing?  The school board knows.  The superintendent knows.  The students know and many parents know.  Why do people accept this type of person even having access to their child?  And why isn’t she being hauled in to court and raked over the coals for her many violations of the court order instead of being allowed to use it as a weapon against us?

You see, hard day.  Too many questions to ponder.  And I can’t help but wonder what someone like Oprah would say about this mess.  Would she find it as unbelievable as I do?  Would Oprah be bothered by the inequality of a young girl who used someone’s credit card and spent $4500 being the one sitting in prison while a woman who has violated many young men, damaged so many young people, and destroyed whole families by her predatory behaviors stands in a classroom?  I believe she would be sickened as any normal person with half a moral compass would be.  But where are the people who have the backbone to stand up and force change?  Where are they?

Like I said, it’s been a rough day.